Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
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“We will wed,” I threatened
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
catch me on valentine’s day like