For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
wishing you and yours all the best
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .