“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me irl
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
This is the one
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.