Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.