WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?