So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
they split up moments later
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.