DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
The Backseat Boys
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent