COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
moms in horror movies
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself