Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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yea so i messed up lol
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.