Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
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Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”