Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments