Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I can’t stop watching this.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT