Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Monday
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.