Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.