grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.