It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
You Might Also Like
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
me as a parent
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”