If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
checking out some reviews of my local library
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!