I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You Might Also Like
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
same bro
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk