PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.