When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
God, I love Scotland