Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
But I really needed water water water
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok