If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.