I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.