As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
All excellent questions
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.