If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
They got Raph!
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date