Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
You Might Also Like
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes