My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”