These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
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Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl