[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
You Might Also Like
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
“what that mouth do?” complain
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.