Thursday
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If only.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can