My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
True
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.