octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My dog ate my work from home.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.