Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?