iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
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Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I know karate and tons of other words.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
hey, alexa
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
6: are snakes just neck?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.