On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The three genders.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
How to wake up a Beagle
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.