Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
There is no try. There is only give up.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.