I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
You Might Also Like
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
🍞🦆
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.