Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Seems legit
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin