All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe