[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets