If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying