I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
FRED: right
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
bro what is going on at twitter
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
bias laundering edition
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”