Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”