*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
🙁
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.