“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Breaking news:
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now