THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”