Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag