How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?