8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
You Might Also Like
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*