like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME